First, a moment of feeling sorry for myself:
I overdrew my checking account today for the first time ever. In order to do that, I have to first owe $500 on a line of credit, and then I can actually ask for too much money to which the bank says no and charges you more money. I also owe about $400 on a credit card for whatever, I don’t even remember. My savings are the lowest they’ve been since I was probably about 12. I’ve spent nearly all of it funding the last year or so of my life.
In about three weeks I’ll return to Philadelphia, pack up all of my things and leave the life I worked so hard with Alex to build. I’ll return home, feeling quite defeated, with little money, a lot of sadness, and no real, tangible direction. I’ll be home for the first time in six years with no real certain plans of how to leave.
I feel like I’ve let a lot of people down. I feel I’ve let my parents down because I’m having to come home. They worked so hard to set me up so well for success and I walked away in the face of it. I’ve let Alex down because we couldn’t make it work. Perhaps no one’s at fault there, but it definitely still stings. I’ve let myself down because I managed to spend all of my money trying to capture something that perhaps I should have known would never work. I’ve let myself down because I couldn’t find a job that made any money or even made me happy.
I worked at a deli. I didn’t finish the computer I was building. Alex and I are breaking up. All I can see are the failed projects that I started in the last two years. And in all of it I can’t find any beauty right now. That’s what I think is the real failure for me. I can see no romance in it, nothing that makes me feel like I got what I wanted. Nothing that makes me feel certain that it was the right decision. In fact, I pretty much feel exclusive uncertainty right now about all of it.
Lastly, I’m still in a better spot than millions of people in just the US… which makes me feel like an undeserving dick for feeling the way that I do, and unthankful for the opportunities that I’ve had because I feel the way that I do.
And now to try and stop feeling sorry for myself and cast this all in a different light:
I’m now back to the circumstances I was in six years ago, when I felt most successful and when I was learning the most. I think that some space will allow me to recapture that focus that I used to have. The space will allow me to drift from project to project like I used to without the pressure of making sure someone else is happy with how things are (but I will also lose all of the good things that came with the company of someone else).
I will get to approach the world again in wholly different circumstances; frankly, with fewer feelings and emotions. I have a lot of stress relationships, no matter what they are and some distance from them I think will be good for me. I feel exhausted and I can rest for a couple of weeks now in the last environment that I felt truly comfortable (which is a little embarrassing that my parent’s home was the last place I felt that).
I can say that I’m truly excited to throw myself back into academics the way that I once did. I remember in fall of my first year at college that I once embarked upon a twenty hour programming marathon over two for Dr. Zia simply because I was enjoying myself so much. I hope that I can recover that in a way that I haven’t felt for a long time. I hope that this shift will leave behind many of the pressures that I’ve felt affected my ability to capture and fully engage that.
I hope that I’ll have more free time through all of this and any time that I do have, I will be the sole director of. I’ll get a shot at figuring things out for myself, in a way that I have full control over.
Sometimes I wonder if who I am, my personality type, my stress levels, my need for space, my interests, will require a certain distance between me and the world around me. As in, I sometime wonder if it’s possible for me to be in a relationship with someone and hold anyone closer than just a very good friend. In a weird way, I wouldn’t be so sad if that were true. I think that, despite what I would really love, relationships have a way of ruling my life when I’m in one that isn’t necessarily compatible with the things I’m interested in accomplishing. It’s a real bummer because I love romance in a way that almost makes me hurt inside.
As Lea recently said to my claim that I felt “out of feelings:”
“I think you got kicked in the feels one too many times”
I think that’s about right. Here’s hoping that my feels get to recover through all of this.